Q+A

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?

A: I cry when I cut up onions...

 

Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after seeing that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,

flies arounther drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the

building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amd the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes anoazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to

the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,

plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

 

Pop By My House

Knowing that he’ll be back late from work, Joe asks his workmate Barry to pop by his house to let his wife know what time he’ll be home. Barry agrees and sets off. Joe’s wife opens the door and invites Barry in, as she’s just finishing her ironing. Barry passes on his news and notices that Joe’s wife is ironing her underwear. ‘I tell you what,’ says Barry. ‘I know you’re a bit hard up at the moment, so if you dance around for me in that underwear, I’ll give you £40.’ Needing the money, she reluctantly agrees. After the dance, Barry continues, ‘Now I’ll make it £100 if you do that naked.’ A little sheepishly, she strips off her undies and repeats the dance. ‘Now,’ says an excited Barry, ‘I’ll make it £200 if you let me give you one.’ Feeling ashamed but desperate for the money, she again agrees. When Barry finishes, he thanks her, pays her the money and leaves. Thirty minutes later, Joe returns from work to find his wife watching the telly. ‘All right, love? Did Barry tell you I’d be late?’ Still embarrassed, she nods. ‘Oh, and love,’ Joe goes on, ‘did he give you my wages?’

 

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten."

 

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

 

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

 

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The

second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples."

 

Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

 

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

 

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

 

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits.

 

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Blind Wood Sniffer

A blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.

 

The owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in. The blind man says "Inspecting wood."

The owner laughs and says "But you're blind!"

 

The blind man replies, "Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is."

 

The owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell, "Tell me what kind of wood this is."

 

The blind man plainly replies "It's pine."

 

The owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.

 

The owner thinks for a bit, then says, "I have one more piece for you to smell."

 

He gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head toward the secretary's crotch.

 

The blind man replies, "Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!

Thats the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!"

 

Q+A

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?

A: I cry when I cut up onions...

 

KKK

As the congregation settled into the pews, the preacher rose to the lectern with a red face. ‘Someone in this congregation,’ he began gravely, ‘has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.’ As whispering spread around the hall, the padre continued. ‘This is a horrible lie – one I am embarrassed about and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I ask the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God.’ No one moved, and the preacher continued. ‘Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.’ Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. ‘Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan.’ ‘Oh?’ said the Father, ‘So what did you say?’ The blonde chewed her lip sadly. ‘I simply mentioned to a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’

 

How Tough Are You

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says, ‘When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing.’ After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in, ‘When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.’ At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door. ‘Where are you going?’ ask the two other rats. ‘Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and shag the cat again.’

 

Cowboys

Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome trail, each with a tale of bravado for which cowboys are famous. ‘I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is,’ the first cowboy said with a drawl. ‘Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six grown men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.’ The second cowboy couldn’t stand to be bested. ‘Why, that’s nothing,’ he said. ‘I was walking down the trail yesterday when a 15 feet rattler made a move for me. I grabbed it with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked down all of its poison. And I’m still here to tell the tale.’ All this time, the third cowboy remained silent, and the first two turned to look at him as he slowly stoked the red-hot coals with his penis.

 

Bandits

Two young travellers are braving their way across Mexico behind the wheel of an old van, when they come across a group of bandits standing behind a roadblock. The head honcho walks around to the door, sticks a gun into their faces and says, ‘Start masturbating, gringos!’ Shocked, but fearing for their lives, the pair duly oblige – and, despite the stress, manage to perform. As soon as they finish, the bandit chief leans in and demands: ‘Again!’ They manage a repeat performance, but are then told to continue until, tired and sore, the pair are physically incapable of another erection. ‘Good work,’ smiles the toothless Mexican as a dark figure emerges from the trees. ‘Now drive my sister to the nearest town.’

 

Gremlin

A man is sitting in the pub having a quiet pint when a gremlin comes in and asks for a half. He downs his drink quickly, then runs along the bar, sticks his head in the man’s pint and shakes it around. The man is bemused, but continues to drink as the gremlin returns to his seat. The little beastie orders a second and third half and after each one does exactly the same thing. The man finally loses his patience and grabs the gremlin by the scruff of the neck. ‘If you stick your head in my pint one more time, I’ll rip your dick off!’ shouts the angry drinker. ‘Ain’t got one,’ says the gremlin. The man looks confused. ‘If you haven’t got a cock, how do you piss?’ he asks the gremlin. ‘Like this,’ says the gremlin, and sticks his head in the man’s pint, shaking it around.’

 

Minimum

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a chiropodist's office instead. Laboriously, he weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed. ‘Stick it through that curtain,’ she says. Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. ‘That's not a foot!’ screams the receptionist. ‘Christ!’ replies the drunk. ‘I didn't know you had a minimum.’

 

Teachers gifts

At the end of the primary school term, a kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from her departing pupils. First up is the local florist's son, whose gift is a well-wrapped cone. ‘I bet I know what it is,’ she says, after shaking it and inhaling deeply. ‘Have you got me flowers?’ ‘That's right!’ cries the boy. ‘But how did you know?’ ‘Just a wild guess,’ she said, grinning. The next pupil was the daughter of the local sweetshop owner. Again, the teacher held her box over her head, shook it, and heard the soft rattle. ‘Thank you,’ she says, ‘I love chocolates!’ ‘That's right! But how did you know?’ asked the girl. ‘Just a lucky guess,’ laughs the teacher. Finally, the son of the local off-licence owner shyly approaches. Again, the teacher holds his box above her head and shakes it side to side – only to find it leaking. ‘Mmmm,’ she says, tasting a drop of the leakage with her finger. ‘Is it wine?’ Open-mouthed, the youngster shakes his head – and the teacher repeats the process. ‘Oh. Is it a nice vintage champagne, perhaps?’ she asks. Again, the boy shakes his head excitedly. ‘OK,’ admits the teacher, ‘I give up. What is it?’ The boy laughs in delight. ‘A puppy!’

 

Arthritis

After years of flirting, a man and woman in an old people’s home agree to make love – and one day, when the residents go on a day trip, they both stay behind. Impatient for his first action in decades, the man quickly goes to the woman's room and asks her if there’s anything she prefers. She replies she loves it when men perform cunnilingus on her – and grinning widely, the man goes down. After a few seconds, however, he reappears. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, ‘but I’m afraid the smell is just too bad.’ ‘Hmmm,’ she replies, thinking for a moment. ‘It must be the arthritis. He looks at her confused. ‘Surely you can’t get arthritis down there,’ he cries, ‘And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that smell.’ ‘No, the arthritis is in my shoulder,’ she bleats. ‘I can't wipe my arse.’

 

Adam Came First

Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to speak.

 

Use the Sink

A girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the dance. She tells him to be very, very quiet as her parents are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she would be in big trouble as she’s not allowed to bring boys home. They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops and says, ‘Where’s the toilet, I need to go.’ She says, ‘It’s next to my parents’ bedroom. You can’t go there, you might wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead.’ He goes into the kitchen then, after a short while, he pops his head round the door and says to his girlfriend, ‘Have you got any paper?’