Deaf Mute
This deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms. Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the shelves, and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his cock on the counter, before placing a £5 note next to it. Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same manoeuvres as the mute, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging his shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.’
Cojones
While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter. ‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bullfight. We won't have any more until after the next fight.’ Disappointed, the man returns after the next fight. The waiter remembers him and brings out a plate of two steaming balls. ‘Just a minute,’ says the man. ‘These are tiny. The ones the man had were four times as big.’ The waiter shrugs. ‘Senor – sometimes the bull, he win.’
Auction
Waking after a long night’s sleep, a wife begins recounting her dream to her husband. ‘I dreamt I was at an auction for cocks,’ she began. ‘The long ones went for a tenner, and the meaty ones for £20.’ ‘How about the ones like mine?’ asked her husband. ‘Oh, they gave those away,’ she replied, grinning slyly. Miffed, the husband responds: ‘Well I had a dream too – where they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones cost £1,000 and the little tight ones went for double that.’ ‘And how much for the ones like mine?’ inquired his wife. The man grinned. ‘Oh, that's where they held the auction.’
Freedom
Two rabbits, who have spent their whole lives in a laboratory, are set free one night by an animal activist. They run off into the countryside and come across a field of carrots. Instinct takes over: they get stuck in and start to eat all the carrots they can, until they fall asleep. The following night, they go into a field of cabbages. Again, they eat all they can and fall asleep. The night after that, they find a field full of lettuce, which, as before, they proceed to chomp through until they fall asleep. The next night they find themselves in a field full of lady rabbits, all of whom are willing partners. They do what comes naturally and embark upon an all-night shagging session. In the morning, the older rabbit decides he wants to return to the lab. ‘What the hell for?’ asks his pal. ‘We’ve had carrots, cabbages, lettuce and, best of all, those ladies last night. What’s your problem?’ ‘Life is sweet, I agree,’ says the older chap. ‘But the thing is, I’m dying for a fag!’
Tarzan
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex. ‘What's that?’ he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said ‘Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.’ ‘Tarzan, you have it all wrong,’ she says horrified, ‘but I will show you how to do it properly.’ She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. ‘Here,’ she said, ‘You must put it in here.’ Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘What the hell did you do that for?’ ‘Just checking for bees,’ said Tarzan.
Badly Deformed
A man is waiting nervously for news of his new-born baby when a nurse walks in. ‘It’s bad news,’ she says. ‘Your baby is badly deformed.’ Naturally the man tells himself that he will love the baby whatever it looks like. The midwife then leads the man out to the incubators. Passing a baby that is no more than a head, the midwife says ‘Brace yourself, dear – your baby is a lot worse than this.’ Finally they arrive at the incubator and the father stares open-mouthed at his child. For there, sitting on the blanket, is a pair of eyeballs blinking away. ‘I’m sorry,’ offers the midwife. The man, holding back tears, says, ‘It’s my baby and I’ll look after it the best I can.’ He gives the little eyes a tender wave. ‘I wouldn’t bother doing that,’ says the midwife. ‘It’s blind.’
SAS Test
Three men reach the final round of tests to join the SAS, and are called together to speak with the interviewer. ‘Do you love your wife?’ says the officer. ‘Sir, yes I do, sir,’ say the recruits in unison. ‘And do you love your country?’ ‘Sir, yes sir,’ say the men. ‘But what do you love more, your wife or your country?’ The recruits do not hesitate: ‘Sir, my country, sir.’ The interviewer stares at them: ‘We want you to prove this. Your wives are sitting in separate rooms nearby – take this gun and go and kill your loved one.’ The first man gulps and stares at the gun for a few minutes. ‘I can't do it,’ he says, and leaves. Turning white, the second man goes into the room, and all is silent for about five minutes. Soon the door opens and the man, sweaty with his tie loosened, puts down the unfired gun and leaves. The final interviewee looks long and hard and the revolver, then slowly paces into the adjoining room. After a brief silence, the interviewer hears the sound of a gunshot. There’s a brief pause, then an almighty crashing sound and a woman’s scream. Grinning and breathless, the final recruit emerges from the room and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks up at him and says ‘What the hell happened?’ ‘The gun you gave me was filled with blanks,’ says the man, breathing heavily. ‘So I had to beat her to death with the chair.’
Poor Arthur
A travelling salesman is touring an area in deepest rural Wales, and stays the night at a farmhouse. After a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turns to his kind host and asks if there’s any possibility of renting some ‘companionship’ for the evening. ‘Well,’ mulls the farmer. ‘I’m afraid there’s not many women around here like that. But there’s always Arthur …’ ‘Oh?’ says the salesman, intrigued. ‘How much does he charge?’ ‘It’ll cost you £10,’ comes the reply. The salesman thinks about this. ‘Seems a bit expensive,’ he says. ‘Well,’ says the farmer, ‘The local magistrate takes out £4 because he doesn’t approve of that sort of thing.’ ‘So that’s £4 for him and £6 for Arthur,’ says the salesman. The farmer shakes his head. ‘No, the local constable also takes £4 because he doesn’t approve of that sort of thing.’ ‘Christ,’ says the salesman. ‘So the magistrate gets £4, the bobby £4 – that only leaves £2 for Arthur.’ ‘No – we have to pay Gareth and Dai to hold him down,’ says the farmer. ‘You see, Arthur doesn’t approve of that sort of thing either.’
Brothel
An elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a really young girl for the night. The old steamer gives him a puzzled look and asks the fellow how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old." "Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh," he says, "how much do I owe you, then?"
Eskimo
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."
Don’t be so ungrateful
A middle-aged woman reads a magazine article which claims that, as women get older, their fannies grow. Concerned about this (and her husband’s reaction), she decides to carry out her own test. She places a mirror on the bathroom floor and stands over it, legs apart. While looking down, her husband happens to walk past. ‘Watch out!’ he cries and jumps at her, pushing her over. ‘What are you doing?’ the woman shouts. ‘You could have broken my arm!’ ‘Don’t be so ungrateful,’ her husband replies. ‘If you’d fallen down there, you could have broken your neck.’
Milkman
A milkman is making his deliveries and finds a note attached to a customer’s door saying, ‘I need 45 gallons of milk.’ He knocks at the door and a beautiful, dumb blonde answers it. ‘Is this a mistake?’ the milkman asks. ‘No,’ she says. ‘I was watching a talk-show and it said bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.’ ‘Really?’ replies the milkman. ‘Do you want that pasteurized?’ ‘No, up to my tits will be fine,’ she says.
Cant feel my legs
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries, ‘Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs.’ The doctor comes over to the poor chap’s bedside and says, ‘Of course you can’t. I’ve amputated both your arms.’
Splitting Headaches
Cursed with splitting headaches for years, Trevor goes to a headache specialist. “The trouble is,” Trevor tells the specialist, “I get this blinding pain, like a knife across my scalp and...” He’s interrupted by the doctor: “And a heavy throbbing, behind the left ear?” “Yes! Exactly! How did you know?” “Well, I suffered from that same type of headache for years. It’s caused by tension in the scalp. This is how I cured it: every day I gave my wife oral sex.” “Is that all it took?” says Trevor, intrigued. “Oh no,” says the doctor. “When she came she’d squeeze her legs together and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for a fortnight, come back and let me know how it goes.” Two weeks later Trevor returns, grinning. “Doc, I’m a new man! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough.” “That’s fine,” says the doctor. “I was glad to pass on a personal cure.” “By the way,” says Trevor, standing up to leave. “You have a lovely home.”
Thor
Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and Odin, the King Of The Gods, are enjoying a flagon of mead in Valhalla, the Norse heaven. Suddenly, Thor turns to Odin. ‘You know, my Lord,’ he says, thoughtfully thumbing his mystical hammer. ‘Being a god is brilliant, but it’s been millennia since I had any sex.’ Odin nodded and pondered for a while. Raising his mighty head, he took pity on his subordinate. ‘Go to Earth, Thor,’ he replied. ‘Find thyself there what they call a “lady of the night”. Treat her to your manly pleasures.’ Bowing gracefully, Thor retired and followed Odin’s advice, before returning the next night. ‘My Lord,’ he said, grinning from ear to ear, ‘You were right – it was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times!’ ‘Thirty-seven times?’ exclaimed Odin. ‘That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!’ Humbled, Thor went back down to earth and found the prostitute. ‘I'm sorry about last night,’ he apologized. ‘But you see, I'm Thor.’ ‘You're Thor?’ shouted the girl, ‘What about me? I can't even pith.’
Viagra
A elderly gentleman shuffles into a drug store and asks for Viagra. ‘That's no problem,’ says the pharmacist. ‘How many do you want?’ ‘Just a few, maybe four,’ says the pensioner. ‘But could you cut them into four pieces?’ ‘That won't do you much good,’ replies the pharmacist. The customer looks at him and sighs. ‘I’m 83 years old – I'm not interested in sex anymore,’ he says. ‘I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes.’
Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples are enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men turns to the other. “Arthur, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” says the pensioner. “How’s your course at the memory clinic going?” “Outstanding,” replies Arthur. “They teach us all the latest psychological techniques: visualisation, association and so on. It’s made a huge difference for me.” “That’s great,” says his mate. “What was the name of the clinic again?” Arthur goes blank, then wrinkles his brow. “Wait there, I can do this.” He closes his eyes, frowns deeply and his lips move as he thinks to himself. “What do you call that flower with the red petals and thorns?” he says, finally. “You mean a rose,” says his friend. “Yes, that’s it!” say Arthur, and turns to his wife, asking, “Rose, what was the name of that clinic again?”
Changing sides
After a heavy night in his local pub, a worse-for-wear lout rises to his feet, determined to start up a fight. ‘Right,’ he hollers, ‘everybody on the left side of the pub is a bastard!’ The drinkers look across at him briefly, then resume their drinking. ‘No takers, eh?’ shouts the piss-head. ‘Right then – everyone on the right side is a poofter!’ Suddenly, an old man on the left-hand side of the pub stands up. ‘You want some, then?’ screams the lout. ‘Not really,’ replies the man, sheepishly. ‘It’s just that I appear to be sitting on the wrong side of the pub.’
Promising Student
A senior lecturer at a London medical college is rather surprised one afternoon when one of his most promising students breaks through the door in a clear state of distress. Sitting the lad down, the kindly old-timer waits for him to compose himself before asking, ‘What on earth is the matter?’ ‘I can’t take it anymore, doc,’ wails the distressed student. ‘I need to find somewhere else to live!’ ‘But our student digs are the best in the land,’ protests the lecturer. ‘No, doctor – it’s this new policy of mixed living quarters. Every night when I’m trying to study, I have to push away beautiful young nurses, who have come in drunk from a night on the town and are hungry for sex.’ ‘I see,’ says the quack. ‘So how do you think I can help?’ ‘Oh doc,’ says the desperate young man, quietly. ‘You’re going to have to break my arms.’
Drunk and Lost
While walking his beat, a policeman is bemused to find a young man, clearly drunk, staggering about with a key in his hand. ‘They’ve stolen my car,’ the drunk shouts. ‘It was right here earlier on the end of this key.’ ‘More importantly, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘Do you know your penis is hanging out?’ ‘Oh my God,’ wails the drunk. ‘They’ve got my girlfriend as well.’
18 hours to live
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband she has only 18 hours to live. ‘That's terrible!’ cries her husband, ‘What would you like to do during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.’ ‘Well,’ she said, ‘First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favourite restaurant. But ultimately, I want to go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long.’ ‘Gee, honey,’ says her husband, shaking his head ‘I don't know about that “all night long” stuff. After all, I've got to get up in the morning.’
Bucket of Snails
One evening a husband and wife are sitting at home, waiting for dinner guests to arrive. After putting the casserole in the oven the wife turns and screams, ‘I’ve forgotten the nibbles! We can’t have a party without nibbles! Go down into the garden and fetch some snails. I’ll boil them up and serve them with a little garlic butter and lemon.’ The husband sets off to the end of the garden with a bucket and starts hunting for the snails. No sooner has he started when a beautiful woman leans over the fence and casually asks him if he wants to pop over to her place for a quick drink. The husband thinks that a quick snifter before dinner can’t hurt, so he climbs over the fence and goes in. After downing a martini, the woman grabs the man and begins kissing him. One thing leads to another and soon the pair are hard at it in bed. So hard, in fact, that the husband falls asleep for a couple of hours. Waking up in a panic, he grabs all his clothes and his bucket of snails, jumps back over the fence and hurtles into his own kitchen where his wife has nodded off. He trips up as he enters through the door and spills his bucket of snails over the lino and wakes her. ‘Where the hell have you been?’ she screams. The husband looks up at his livid wife, looks down at the scattered snails on the floor and shouts,‘Come on lads, we’re nearly there!’
3 Criminals in hell
Three criminals are in hell waiting to be punished for their sins, and the Devil says, ‘Before I plunge you into the fiery abyss, you can have one cool beer as a last privilege.’ The first criminal in the line-up is Jeffrey Dahmer. ‘What drink do you want?’ asks Satan. ‘I would love a Budweiser,’ replies Dahmer, and sure enough he’s given a can of it before being tossed into agony. The Devil repeats his question to the second criminal. ‘I would like some Foster’s,’ says Ronnie Kray, and he gets some of the amber nectar before his punishment. Finally, the Devil asks the third man, Fred West, what beer he’d like before being burnt for eternity. ‘Oh, that’s easy,’ says Fred. ‘I could murder some Tennent’s.
Rubber Factory
Joe was visiting a friend's rubber factory one day. They entered the first room, to the loud sound of ‘Bang! Hish! Bang! Hish!’ ‘What are you making here?’ asked Joe. ‘Teats for a baby's bottle,’ replied the owner. ‘The bang makes the teat and the hish puts the hole in the end.’ The next room, however, was filled with different sounds: ‘Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Hish! Bang! Bang!’ ‘This is where we make condo |
